Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
