i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
