tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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