I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
