I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
