I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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