Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
