things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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