There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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