Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize