in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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