She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
