so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize