if only i could text you this smell
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
