she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
