I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
