I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize