also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
