If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
