He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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