Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
