Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
