I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
