nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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