Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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