I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
