Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
