New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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