I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
