I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
