just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
