in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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