The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize