Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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