its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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