Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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