I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
