I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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