I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
