he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
