I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
