So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
