I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
