If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
