well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
