please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
