I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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