Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
