Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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