I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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