Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
