my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
