Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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