I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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