I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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