Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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