he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize