is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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